Incomprehensible

This has been a long week and a longer weekend. I would like to complain. I don't like to complain publicly (I save it for Altman) but I would really feel so much better if I could just complain - out loud - to anyone who would listen.

But, I won't. You can thank me later.

I am going to reflect on what an incomprehensible week we had last week. I woke up early on Monday and got in my elliptical workout. I took off for work and promptly at 10 am, I pulled up the Boston Marathon on one of the many tabs on my 2nd monitor at work. I could listen to info on the leaders while I worked on various projects and emails to clients.

It was great. The women's leader for a time was way out in front and I kept saying to myself that she was going to lose that lead. And, she did. Heartbreaking for her. I watched as Shalane Flannagan and Kara Goucher crossed the finish line and got a little teary when announcers talked about the winner having taken time off for maternity leave. Of course she did...and she came back to win the Boston Marathon. Awesome.

I had an afternoon meeting and headed to Panera to work when it was over.

Earlier in the day, I had gotten a note from one of our local sports reporters asking for a list of locals running Boston. I had Jason pull the list and while sending it to her, she emailed to ask if I had seen the news about Boston...

The rest of the day was hectic. Texts, emails, Facebook posts and more to try to locate Knoxville runners. No, I am not the Director for KTC anymore but runners are my family and have been for years. I may not be attending all the races these days but I know most of the local runners either personally or by name. They are now and always will be our family.

I couldn't catch my breath for most of the afternoon. There was this great feeling of helplessness for our friends, for the spectators and runners we didn't know, for the volunteers, and for the staff of the Boston Marathon.

I picked up Jackson from pre-school and fought back tears all afternoon. He could see that I was "sad" and I told him that someone had been mean to some runners but that our friends were fine.

As I sat down for dinner, I heard the news that an 8-year-old boy had died. I lost it. I sobbed uncontrollably.

How can I raise this child (and another coming soon) in this world? How am I supposed to protect him? Schools aren't safe and now race finish lines might not be safe.

I can't count the finish lines that Jackson and I have waited for Jason or that Jason and Jackson have waited for me. I can't count the times that Jason has finished a race and come to find us, hugged us, and took off on a cool-down or the other way around.

From what I heard, that was the story...the father finished, hugged the family, and headed to post-race when the explosions happened. I haven't taken the time to verify that information so if it is wrong then I apologize. Even if the son and mom and sister were just waiting and hadn't seen the dad, it is still devastating. And, unfair.

I have been to the Boston Marathon finish line. I was 26 or 27 weeks pregnant with Jackson and we traveled there so that Jason could run. I started my day at the finish line and moved a bit to meet a friend so we could watch together. Looking at the photos and video make my heart ache. What if we had decided to go this year?

We won't stop racing. We won't stop going to events. We won't lock ourselves in our house and shy away because there is crazy in the world. However, as I look ahead, I have to question how are going to do this?

How do you teach your child to be friendly but not talk to strangers? How do you teach your child to look for things that might be "out of place" or to be on alert for strangers at any given location? Or how to react to someone with a gun at school or church or the grocery store or the park? Or, what to do if a bomb goes off at a finish line?

This is a tough world and tough times. None of us are safe.

I gave myself a few days to grieve. To grieve for the victims and for all of the volunteers and staff that were there that have been affected so deeply by that day.

Similar to the rest of the nation, I gave a little cheer when officers took Suspect #2 into custody and now I wait for answers. I don't know if we'll get the answers we are looking for or not but I will wait because I want to know why in the world these two brothers did this.

I used to laugh that every day that Jackson wakes up and goes to bed is a success. That was mostly a joke about myself and my lack of parenting knowledge. Now, it isn't as funny. Every day that he wakes up and every day that he goes to bed really is a success. That means that things went well enough in between to give us one more day with him.

I hope we have a lifetime of days together.

There is a lot of good in this world. I know that and I look forward to it every day. I try to be part of it. I hope that we can teach our children to be kind, loving, and to help others.

Last week was incomprehensible. There isn't a better word for me to use to describe it.

But, tomorrow, I will get up and workout. I will get Jackson out of bed and we'll snuggle and watch cartoons before school. We'll dive back into our normal routine and we'll move forward.

We won't forget last Monday but we'll live and run with a renewed reason to cross the start line and the finish line of many more days and many more races.