Silver Linings...

This has been a heck of a week. Life has tried hard to break me but I prevailed - mostly. It is Friday at 7 pm and I made it through this week with only a few tears. Honestly I don't know what that means but right this moment, I feel pretty tough and don't think my plans of ruling the world have been compromised at all.

The week started with an unplanned trip to the doctor's office. After a weekend of tight belly and pelvic pressure, I headed to the doctor. All was well but considering how the end of pregnancy #1 went, I feel like we may be in for a ride in the next few weeks. We are excited to meet the little one but just not yet. He needs to cook a little longer and honestly, we need to get ready for his arrival.

On Tuesday morning at 6 am, I stepped on the elliptical, opened the iPad, and read a message that a dear friend had died the night before. He and his wife are very special to Jason and me. They were there when we starting dating, they were there to celebrate our engagement, they were there to celebrate our wedding, and still when Jackson was born. We spent Christmas with them for several years and had countless laughs and fun times. I had Rocky Top on the way home Tuesday night and couldn't help but smile because we spent a lot of time watching Vol Football together. I haven't fully absorbed it yet. At some point in the near future, I will sit down and cry - a lot. We hadn't seen them a lot in the last year. Life stresses last year had really forced Jason and I to keep to ourselves and just make it through each week. Now, I regret not seeing him more and I hope he knows how much I loved him. I hope she knows how much I love her and I have been thinking about her and praying for her.

The rest of the week has been a blur. Bad news or potential bad news here and there and just nothing really going right.  Throw in 34+ weeks of pregnancy and a ton of hormones and I am grateful that I made it through. And, I am tired. I am at that point where I don't sleep and even if I do, I am tired. It is part of the territory and I need to get in a habit of taking more naps since a full night of sleep isn't really possible.

Silver lining time. Even with the week being so terrible, there was good. I had been voted as the Class Rep for Leadership Knoxville meaning that I will serve on the LK Board. I attended my first board meeting as a guest and am so excited to be part of the group and so, so honored that my classmates chose me to represent the Best Class Ever. I have also been asked to serve on the Community Advisory Board for Junior League of Knoxville and I made it to a reception for that group as well. I am honored to be chosen and even more thrilled to get to work with a dear friend of mine over the next two years.

Even better silver linings....our friends. We were blessed to receive gifts for Baby Altman by my fellow CHC Members on Thursday morning and I came home to gifts from one of my long time best friends that afternoon. Today, Jason and I were surprised to receive gifts for the littlest Altman from my co-workers who have all quickly become great friends. I am so thankful for all of the wonderful people in our life.

And the best silver lining....it is Friday and we have no plans for the next two days and I get to spend every minute with the two loves of my life. We are watching Henry Hugglemonster now and will get Chocolate milkshakes to celebrate the end of the week. When the rest of the day or week isn't fun, Altman and Little Altman always make me feel happy and content.

So, bring it on June. I made it through the first week and won't give up easily. I have a great husband, great kid, another kid on the way, and a fantastic support system all around. So, while life isn't always fun, there are always silver linings and blessings and I am one blessed lady.

3 AM

Eleven years ago, at 3 am, Altman and I would have likely been finishing up a shift at work or leaving a bar. Given the date, we had probably worked day shift and had gone out to celebrate the Kentucky Derby.  I was 25 then. I had taken a job waiting tables/bartending/expediting at a restaurant/bar so I could go to school full-time. I had a degree on Communications/PR but wanted to pursue a degree in a wellness related field.

We met on my first day of work and started dating almost immediately. So, in our early 20s, we still had fun going to dinner and meeting friends for a drink or more. The bonus was that Altman lived in a house on White Avenue. Perfect setup. Go to dinner, go to the Strip, and safely walk home from the bar. Fun times.

Yesterday was the Kentucky Derby and I watched the race from a hospital room at East TN Children's Hospital. Last night, at 3 am, my son was getting a breathing treatment after having removed an oxygen mask from his face. Talk about life change. 

Once he was settled and back to sleep - sans oxygen - I began to think about our life all those years ago. At the time, I didn't want children. I made it very clear to Altman when we started dating. I had never wanted them. He was fine with it and wasn't sure he wanted kids himself. 

Once we dated awhile and started talking marriage, we decided that we would set a time frame on kids. My sister had kids by then and we really enjoyed being with them and could both see a change of heart on that whole "no kids, retire early" plan. We married and gave ourselves 5 years to do whatever we wanted then make the decision. The decision was unanimous on both sides and came at unexpected time and in an unexpected conversation. During the chat, I made mention of "when we have kids" and Altman looked up and smiled and said, "I was thinking the same thing."

It isn't easy. My joke for the first year was that every day Jackson woke up and every night he went to bed was a success. Seriously. We didn't and still don't have any idea what we are doing. We have been blessed with a good kid and hope that the next is even half as cool as Jackson.

I never expected easy. I don't know what I expected but I knew raising a child would be hard. And, I don't do anything half-way so I have made a point that my family is first - always.

This weekend has been hard. I am 30 weeks pregnant and more tired than I have ever been in my life - everyday. Somedays I struggle to stay awake while others I struggle to remember my name. Yes, pregnancy brain is real. 

There was no sleep on Friday night. I held my 41" tall, 37 lb child in my arms like a baby while he cried. We were ready to head to the ER when we called and were directed to wait until the doctor's office opened. We did. That visit was a whirlwind. The doctor was very concerned and basically made up his mind when we arrived to send us to Children's. 10+ breathing treatments, two doses of steroids, oxygen, and others meds later, Jackson is in the playroom with Jason while I write. Yesterday, he cried for me over and over even while I held him all day and was so, so sick. Today, he seems much better and we can hopefully go home soon.

I always come back to the question, "Would I trade a minute of this?" Nope. Not a chance. I might complain or whine somedays (nope, pregnancy isn't easy either) but even in the hardest of times, there is special relationship between mother and child. I love this kid in a way that I had no idea was even possible. My love for his father is stronger today than yesterday because we are in this together and truly compliment one another in good times and bad.

Today, if I am awake at 3 am, it probably isn't for good times. And although being in the hospital with a sick child isn't an ideal situation, I am lucky to be able to have these experiences and raise such a cool little guy. I look forward to getting him better, going home, and getting rest. For now, I am going to head to the playroom and play trains.

Incomprehensible

This has been a long week and a longer weekend. I would like to complain. I don't like to complain publicly (I save it for Altman) but I would really feel so much better if I could just complain - out loud - to anyone who would listen.

But, I won't. You can thank me later.

I am going to reflect on what an incomprehensible week we had last week. I woke up early on Monday and got in my elliptical workout. I took off for work and promptly at 10 am, I pulled up the Boston Marathon on one of the many tabs on my 2nd monitor at work. I could listen to info on the leaders while I worked on various projects and emails to clients.

It was great. The women's leader for a time was way out in front and I kept saying to myself that she was going to lose that lead. And, she did. Heartbreaking for her. I watched as Shalane Flannagan and Kara Goucher crossed the finish line and got a little teary when announcers talked about the winner having taken time off for maternity leave. Of course she did...and she came back to win the Boston Marathon. Awesome.

I had an afternoon meeting and headed to Panera to work when it was over.

Earlier in the day, I had gotten a note from one of our local sports reporters asking for a list of locals running Boston. I had Jason pull the list and while sending it to her, she emailed to ask if I had seen the news about Boston...

The rest of the day was hectic. Texts, emails, Facebook posts and more to try to locate Knoxville runners. No, I am not the Director for KTC anymore but runners are my family and have been for years. I may not be attending all the races these days but I know most of the local runners either personally or by name. They are now and always will be our family.

I couldn't catch my breath for most of the afternoon. There was this great feeling of helplessness for our friends, for the spectators and runners we didn't know, for the volunteers, and for the staff of the Boston Marathon.

I picked up Jackson from pre-school and fought back tears all afternoon. He could see that I was "sad" and I told him that someone had been mean to some runners but that our friends were fine.

As I sat down for dinner, I heard the news that an 8-year-old boy had died. I lost it. I sobbed uncontrollably.

How can I raise this child (and another coming soon) in this world? How am I supposed to protect him? Schools aren't safe and now race finish lines might not be safe.

I can't count the finish lines that Jackson and I have waited for Jason or that Jason and Jackson have waited for me. I can't count the times that Jason has finished a race and come to find us, hugged us, and took off on a cool-down or the other way around.

From what I heard, that was the story...the father finished, hugged the family, and headed to post-race when the explosions happened. I haven't taken the time to verify that information so if it is wrong then I apologize. Even if the son and mom and sister were just waiting and hadn't seen the dad, it is still devastating. And, unfair.

I have been to the Boston Marathon finish line. I was 26 or 27 weeks pregnant with Jackson and we traveled there so that Jason could run. I started my day at the finish line and moved a bit to meet a friend so we could watch together. Looking at the photos and video make my heart ache. What if we had decided to go this year?

We won't stop racing. We won't stop going to events. We won't lock ourselves in our house and shy away because there is crazy in the world. However, as I look ahead, I have to question how are going to do this?

How do you teach your child to be friendly but not talk to strangers? How do you teach your child to look for things that might be "out of place" or to be on alert for strangers at any given location? Or how to react to someone with a gun at school or church or the grocery store or the park? Or, what to do if a bomb goes off at a finish line?

This is a tough world and tough times. None of us are safe.

I gave myself a few days to grieve. To grieve for the victims and for all of the volunteers and staff that were there that have been affected so deeply by that day.

Similar to the rest of the nation, I gave a little cheer when officers took Suspect #2 into custody and now I wait for answers. I don't know if we'll get the answers we are looking for or not but I will wait because I want to know why in the world these two brothers did this.

I used to laugh that every day that Jackson wakes up and goes to bed is a success. That was mostly a joke about myself and my lack of parenting knowledge. Now, it isn't as funny. Every day that he wakes up and every day that he goes to bed really is a success. That means that things went well enough in between to give us one more day with him.

I hope we have a lifetime of days together.

There is a lot of good in this world. I know that and I look forward to it every day. I try to be part of it. I hope that we can teach our children to be kind, loving, and to help others.

Last week was incomprehensible. There isn't a better word for me to use to describe it.

But, tomorrow, I will get up and workout. I will get Jackson out of bed and we'll snuggle and watch cartoons before school. We'll dive back into our normal routine and we'll move forward.

We won't forget last Monday but we'll live and run with a renewed reason to cross the start line and the finish line of many more days and many more races.