Sunday, May 5, 2013

3 AM

Eleven years ago, at 3 am, Altman and I would have likely been finishing up a shift at work or leaving a bar. Given the date, we had probably worked day shift and had gone out to celebrate the Kentucky Derby.  I was 25 then. I had taken a job waiting tables/bartending/expediting at a restaurant/bar so I could go to school full-time. I had a degree on Communications/PR but wanted to pursue a degree in a wellness related field.

We met on my first day of work and started dating almost immediately. So, in our early 20s, we still had fun going to dinner and meeting friends for a drink or more. The bonus was that Altman lived in a house on White Avenue. Perfect setup. Go to dinner, go to the Strip, and safely walk home from the bar. Fun times.

Yesterday was the Kentucky Derby and I watched the race from a hospital room at East TN Children's Hospital. Last night, at 3 am, my son was getting a breathing treatment after having removed an oxygen mask from his face. Talk about life change. 

Once he was settled and back to sleep - sans oxygen - I began to think about our life all those years ago. At the time, I didn't want children. I made it very clear to Altman when we started dating. I had never wanted them. He was fine with it and wasn't sure he wanted kids himself. 

Once we dated awhile and started talking marriage, we decided that we would set a time frame on kids. My sister had kids by then and we really enjoyed being with them and could both see a change of heart on that whole "no kids, retire early" plan. We married and gave ourselves 5 years to do whatever we wanted then make the decision. The decision was unanimous on both sides and came at unexpected time and in an unexpected conversation. During the chat, I made mention of "when we have kids" and Altman looked up and smiled and said, "I was thinking the same thing."

It isn't easy. My joke for the first year was that every day Jackson woke up and every night he went to bed was a success. Seriously. We didn't and still don't have any idea what we are doing. We have been blessed with a good kid and hope that the next is even half as cool as Jackson.

I never expected easy. I don't know what I expected but I knew raising a child would be hard. And, I don't do anything half-way so I have made a point that my family is first - always.

This weekend has been hard. I am 30 weeks pregnant and more tired than I have ever been in my life - everyday. Somedays I struggle to stay awake while others I struggle to remember my name. Yes, pregnancy brain is real. 

There was no sleep on Friday night. I held my 41" tall, 37 lb child in my arms like a baby while he cried. We were ready to head to the ER when we called and were directed to wait until the doctor's office opened. We did. That visit was a whirlwind. The doctor was very concerned and basically made up his mind when we arrived to send us to Children's. 10+ breathing treatments, two doses of steroids, oxygen, and others meds later, Jackson is in the playroom with Jason while I write. Yesterday, he cried for me over and over even while I held him all day and was so, so sick. Today, he seems much better and we can hopefully go home soon.

I always come back to the question, "Would I trade a minute of this?" Nope. Not a chance. I might complain or whine somedays (nope, pregnancy isn't easy either) but even in the hardest of times, there is special relationship between mother and child. I love this kid in a way that I had no idea was even possible. My love for his father is stronger today than yesterday because we are in this together and truly compliment one another in good times and bad.

Today, if I am awake at 3 am, it probably isn't for good times. And although being in the hospital with a sick child isn't an ideal situation, I am lucky to be able to have these experiences and raise such a cool little guy. I look forward to getting him better, going home, and getting rest. For now, I am going to head to the playroom and play trains.


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